Relationship Status

Perhaps the most foundational aspect to my life are the people around me. I am a very social person, I tend to meet quite a few people and I am never long without someone, if not to date, at least to talk with. It makes the difficulties of life, those that I’ve faced and the reality of existence less, well, difficult. I am currently in a state of affairs which makes my relationship status that which bears on my mind the most.

In writing this, I am not attempting some sort of confessional – I’ve got more than enough of that on this site. My intention here, instead, is to outline my overarching views on relationships and what I believe they serve to most. It is just easiest to use my own experiences rather than keep them abstract because well, I like to think of you dear Reader, as much as I can.

I remember early in life, when I was conflicted about a great many things around me, I rejected the idea that I needed someone special in my life. It was partly because of self-consciousness, being young and dumb, but also because I found that my life was too difficult to constantly talk to someone else about. Relationships at their most elemental are a sharing of yourself with another so it’s very problematic to think that I could be in one and not share myself. I am guided by the principle of living my life as I live my thoughts and so to needlessly, and purposely not do so seemed egregious to me.

I recently was in a very odd entanglement – not sure what else to call it. It was brief and now that it’s over I have no idea what to make of it really. I had fun, but I don’t know what I’ve gained from this experience. Even when a relationship ends, it’s important to ascertain these things, so that you become better by it. Self-reflection is always beneficial, as long as you do it honestly.

Perhaps honesty is the theme of the day, of forever. Without honesty, a relationship is no more than a sexual agreement between two people. Not necessarily bad in most cases, but when it’s done under the pretense of another thing, it’s clearly detrimental.

I say this because nothing has quite the same ability to gut-punch you like the person you’ve chosen to bare your life and soul to. This is not to say that relationships are bad, or fatalistically end with either a break-up or marriage (because that’s just a shitty way to look at life). But, vulnerability, that cousin of honesty, is such a difficult thing because everyone understands its stakes, whether subconsciously or not.

Everyone knows what it means when a dog roles on its back for you, just as everyone knows what it means to share yourself, your secrets and identity with another person.

I think, in the end, what defines a life is the people who love you. Not in a detached way, like people love their favourite author. I mean a life is well lived when people actively remember and cherish you and the life you lived. It’s why Oz staying behind the curtain is so sad. He was hidden, he had to remain hidden. When he is revealed though his whole demeanour changes.

I am not sure where this is going so I’ll cap it off, I just think life’s too short to have the only people who care about you be the ones who share your DNA.

-Clay

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