It’s Valentine’s Day, baby, and it’s been about a month since I’ve spoken with my ex. The last day we spoke was our breakup and so I guess it’s time for some reflections now that it’s Valentine’s – what else are writers for after all.
I’m not upset about this, really, but I can’t help thinking about her today. Especially because she posted a story on Snapchat with her roommate saying ‘all ready for V-Day’. Just kind of planted herself in my mind despite my best attempts.
The story reminded me how much we used to speak – it was incessant. Everyday, all the time, and when she went back to Nigeria for the Christmas break we spoke, both messages and phone calls, over Facebook quite often. We first started talking when she was on exchange in Shanghai for six months. Back then, we messaged over Instagram and we could send each other only basically a message a day given the 12 hour time. Then, she came back and we talked more and more.
When I was in Kingston for a summer press weekend, I went on my first date with her at the Starbucks close to campus. She wore a white lace top that made me smile every time I saw her wear it afterwards. I remember everything about that date, including my awful outfit, the sweat that clung to my back that I hoped she wouldn’t notice. I think I always knew that I would remember the date no matter what happened with us. I changed a lot on that day for some reason – or maybe I just chose that day from a pretty eventful summer as a milestone.
Our relationship on the whole was alright – not the best or worst. But, we cared a lot for each other – we cared that the other person was happy and fulfilled. So maybe I miss the connection we had, I miss being excited to look at her face, I miss being intimately involved in her life, I really enjoyed that there was someone who just chose to be concerned for me and that let me be concerned for them. It was nice, I’ll tell you that. But, I also do not want to be in a relationship with her again – there were always part of her that I focused less. Things that in the end, along with my own issues, gave our relationship an expiration date.
So, I’ve reflected to some extent – where are we now, dear Reader?
Obviously, I want the connection of a girlfriend, a close confidant. In life, I want so much more but on Valentine’s Day it’s hard not to just want a girlfriend. Plus, it’s hard to find a connection, a romantic one these days, unless you are very tactful about how you navigate ‘hookup culture’ – that inimitable beast that every mother mentions before their children go away to school. My mother brought up condoms in one particularly awkward conversation when I was home for my first summer after going to Queen’s. Why she waited so long I shall never know…
But, maybe it should be hard. It’s a precious resource – love or relationships anyways. And I’m not trying to be trite or anything. I’m just mentioning that it ought to be a little difficult to obtain and ought to hurt as bad as it does to lose. (I’m speaking abstractly so that none of the readers make the mistake that I loved my ex or am directly speaking about her).
It’s just that I don’t know how to talk about this sort of thing without it being incorrectly understood by my conversation partner. So, I’ll blog about it because as I said in my last post – writing is sort of therapeutic for me. It helps me figure out my viewpoints. But, I know what I think about this. I’m not sure what one can expect to get out of post like this but I am surprised at how little I mentioned my ex.
P.S. I love you guys, thanks for the reads