To be in control

Experience is a tremendously important part of every person’s life. It’s what defines their interests and disinterests.

I wonder why there is so much variety to life in the world. Without knowing much, I’d venture it’s got to do with climate and terrain – people will be happier if they live somewhere that things are more bountiful.

I guess, though, a pretty good determiner of your experiences is your wealth. It’s pretty easy to see this when you consider that rich people around the world buy the same cars, clothes, houses and send their kids to the same schools.

They all turn out pretty similar, these sort of people. This makes me wonder how random and impermanent the things around us are. My grandmother, for example, grew up in a shack without a floor for the first decade of her life.

What have I done that is even remotely as trying, as tough on my spirit, as something like that would be?

It makes me wonder what else is transitory? Surely there are many things in my life which I let affect me despite their lack of true importance.

My mood can change based on a plethora of things, like many people, and I always wonder why this change occurs.

I guess it’s nice that I’m solid enough in myself that I can assure my emotions, when uncontrollable, are only so due to outside influences.

But I wonder if the struggle to discover what is real and not will lead me anywhere but a state of severe disillusionment – one of the most detestable things a smart person can do really.

I will never be able to convince other people of the things which happen in my mind, and that’s my worry. Because, though these things are impermanent, they are still hugely impactfull.

Emotional response is a healthy but destructive part of life. It makes life worth living but also can cause people to do the more inane horrific things to each other.

I see life as a battle of the will of people against the nature of life. Life can be shitty enough without other people making it worse and yet we continue to do shitty things, maybe it’s so we can be in control if for even a second.

-Clay

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