Sidenote: halloween and family

Halloween is always a weird time for me because it’s the day my dad died. It has been 11 years, or will be on Tuesday. I always try not to be too sad this time of year, or to miss him too much but I always do.

I’m not really sure if anyone has experiences which make your day to day existence slow down, but my father’s death certainly does. It’s like in a movie, where everything’s slow-motion except for one character and he can do all this crazy shit because he can observe everything going on around him.

That’s how I feel right now, it’s like my life has continued moving but I am comfortably watching it from an armchair instead of actually participating in it.

I don’t know why I do this, but it’s always this big juxtaposition with every other Halloween. I take stock of the things that annoyed me then and the things which annoy me now. I take stock of the things I do and how they make me feel.

This year, I’m mostly happy. I am in a place that I would love my father to see and I don’t know if I could’ve said that a few years ago. I still have things going on in my life which I shouldn’t be doing, I still have regrets and doubts and all those other shitty inevitables of life.

But, I do think I am content and happy with how I am and so I wish my father were here to share that with me. My wish going forward is to stop taking stock of my life as if it were a warehouse – but only so much can really change eh.

Clay

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